✔️ Scrupulosity¶
Estimated time to read: 6 minutes
When growing up, inevitably, your authentic self has a question or a doubt or dislikes a teaching. Growing up in the LDS faith, you are taught that it is the devil. That's the voice of Satan. That's evil. That is what you are told over and over from a young age, repeatedly throughout your entire life. Whenever you have a thought you're not "supposed" to have, or a question that makes you or others uncomfortable, or your inner voice is disagreeing with a teaching and is yelling and trying to get you to listen, that's Satan. It's like the song Turn It Off from the Book of Mormon Musical.
What does this do to your mind? It turns your authentic self into the enemy. You become your own gaslighter. You try to shove down every thought and feeling you're not supposed to have. It splits your mind into two parts: the "evil" authentic self, and the unquestioning self the church wants you to have.
Eventually, after doing this for years, you lose the ability to hear your inner voice. You lose the ability to know what you really think and feel, and to acknowledge and speak from that voice. This is how the church fucks with your brain.
When you leave, you have to reconstruct yourself from scratch, and it's terrifying because your brain thinks that if you follow your authentic self, you will end up doing it wrong. You have believed the whole time you were in the church that your authentic self was dangerous. Your inner voice is wrong. In fact, you probably truly believed there was something seriously wrong with you since no one else spoke up when they had questions— they were too afraid to.
This is the trauma we deal with when leaving the faith. This is why when evangelicals or other groups try to convert ex-mormons, they are simply not interested. We see the same pattern in them and it's triggering. We see the denial of the authentic self that we are being asked to repeat, and we don't want to go back to that. I don't care what the Bible says— if it feels wrong deep in my gut, I'm listening to my gut. I was raised to bury my inner voice, and I'm never going back to burying my inner voice ever again.
How is this manifest in my life today?
Having lost faith about five years before the time of writing this, I’m still learning to trust myself. So often I look for external approval or advice, and avoid making bigger decisions for myself.
What are the rules?¶
The LDS church's website does have a proper, official FAQ section, carefully curated as to not actually say anything useful.
For example, What are the Mormon rules?
The Mormon faith, like all Christian religions, has rules by which to live. They are called commandments. Commandments are guiding principles from God intended to bring happiness. They are also sometimes called laws. Members of the faith are well known for a lifestyle that includes paying tithing, conservative dress and grooming, a law of health known as the Word of Wisdom, morality, honesty, integrity, Sunday Sabbath observance, and dedication to families and community.
Maybe we'll let that victory for Satan slide this time—after all, we're trying to make a good impression to internet crawler bots.
"What are your religion's rules?" "We have rules. Some are traditional." "So.. what are they?" "They're in the Standard Works™️." "... That's where they are. Can you tell me what they are?" "Ten commandments, and also some others." "Yeah, what are they?" "They're in the scriptures."
god dammit
When to confess sins¶
"You'll know," with a wink and a nod.
You may be thinking, “That all sounds good, but how can I know if what I have done is serious enough that I need to talk to the bishop?” The short answer: “Your conscience will tell you.” When you feel the sting of conscience, act immediately (see Alma 34:31–34).
Regarding repentance, King Benjamin taught, “I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them” (Mosiah 4:29).
— Why and What Do I Need to Confess to My Bishop?, Elder C. Scott Grow, New Era 2013 October
C. Scott Grow? ... Grow, Scott, Grow!
Sorry, I shouldn't have.
Oh, good. There are innumerable reasons for me to go confess sins to a clergyman behind closed doors. Any time you feel worried about it, you should go do it. There's no way this policy could result in anxiety disorders, nope
Some mistakes, especially those regarding immorality, require confession to the bishop before you can receive the Lord’s forgiveness.
As you think about mistakes you have made, you may be feeling guilty, unsettled, unhappy, or even miserable. If you are experiencing any of those feelings, then you probably need to talk with your bishop about those mistakes.
"especially those regarding immorality" what in the shit does that even MEAN
I ran this article through an online word count application. Out of the 1,492 words, there is not one straightforward answer on when or what to confess.
I don't know how to feel about the idea that confessing a nonspecific sin to a bishop is required before I can receive forgiveness. As in, I need to go through a mortal man first, then Jesus. You know, the guy who is notorious for having performed an infinite atonement? Can't access it until you talk to someone at church who has absolutely no training or preparation on psychology. Since when did God need permission from your local bishop to forgive someone?
If you're really worried about "immorality," you could also talk to a licensed therapist. I will concede that this requires disposable income or very generous insurance, assuming you live in the States as I do. A bishop is going to tell you that you can't take sacrament for four weeks, and then ask if you feel better about what you did. I really think that's a poor substitute.
Being vague about what to confess is not helpful. Weaponizing guilt and shame is unethical. Using guilt alone as a guiding principle is also not helpful. If you don't feel guilty about committing arson and burning down an orphanage, then no need to confess!
Flip that around, though. If you can convince a teenager that the raging hormones in their body are bad and evil, and the inevitable happens (🥵🍆💦), you can expect them to feel guilty for it. That's how the church leverages guilt and shame. There's nothing morally wrong with exploring one's physical desires. It can become an unhealthy coping mechanism, just as easily as stress eating or binging Netflix. If the common factor is coping mechanisms, we could conclude that watching TV or eating Doritos would warrant confession.